2011

What I've learned (not mastered) in 2011.

*you can never say "i love you" too much.

*walking out doesn't always make it easier.

*communication is so so so so important in every relationship.

*being hungover is not worth the night before (even on the weekends).

*running is dreadful, but will make you feel better.

*i am truly not in control.

*it really is a lot easier to be happy.

*there aren't many friends left...and that's okay.

*ryan scott is a good man. (i actually learned that last year).

*i can cuss in front of my mother without her saying "soap"

*i don't like sales.

*i don't like answering phones.

*water will make me feel better than a coke at the end of the day.

*massages are worth the money.

*no reason at all to rush life.

*i do not like lubbock anymore.

*people die unexpectedly, which is why i can no longer take for granted. (miss my mimi)

*i'd like to kick the shit out of drug addiction, but my brother first.

Happy New Year! Thank God for new years and fresh starts.

ranting part 230958

I know I didn't finish out the November thankfuls....I can't ever complete anything I put my mind too. I mean, I can....I just don't. Anyway, I was thankful for the rest of the month.

Today, I just need to vent about one person. He has caused so much anger, hate, disgust, trials, loss of hope, loss of faith, loss of care....pretty much anything negative and every terrible. I don't want to blame him for shitty things in my life, because I don't have a shitty life at all. I just have a lot of anger because of the things that he has done to himself and to my family, and I blame all that on him.

My parents have saved his ass once again. I've been really mad before, when my friends have kissed the boys I like, or when a teacher embarrasses me in front of a class...NOTHING, and i mean NOTHING makes me more mad than my parents rescuing my absolute idiotic moron of a brother. He really really really likes drugs, or I guess right now "LIKED" because he's been sober for a week or so supposedly. He is such a con man. I understand forgiveness, I know what it means to forgive. I also know that addiction sucks. Here's what I don't understand.......why can't you just stop? Why can't you tell your body no. Why can't you find a hobby? Why can't you stop going to AA meetings so you'll stop finding other addicts that YOU KNOW are going to get you in trouble? WHY when YOU KNOW that you can be severely addicted to a drug would you ever try that out? I just don't get it. I love my parents very much. They are big time supporters of me and a huge part of my life. The only thing they are doing for him is hurting. He deserves to be homeless. The reason why he keeps screwing up is because he knows my parents are going to bail him out like always. I stood my ground and he would never ask me for anything once he screws up (which by the way, it's taking everything in me not to say the f word on a public site). I don't have kids of my own, but if I did, there would be none of that shit going on. You continue to screw up, and ruin my marriage....bye. And I am sure it is hard to do as a parent, but that is the only thing that is going to help them. Mostly my brother though. I don't think anyone in this world is as stupid as he is.

I have a problem with praying for him. It is so hard for me to do. I sincerely wish he would get well. But do I wish that for him, my parents, or for me? That's why it's hard. I just want him to get out of here. I'm done hearing about him, I'm done hearing that my parents are arguing because of him. I'm done with my mom being depressed because of him. I'm DONE.

Christmas is in 9 days.....and I will have to be around him. Q Texas is the last place I want to be because of him. Christmas is my favorite time of year because I love being around all of my extended family. I am going to spend Christmas with my family because my precious Mimi passed away in August, and I know my mom has enough to deal with before my idiot brother gets in picture. I am going to support her and her only. Someones got to.

I should stop saying my brother, because he doesn't consider me his sister anymore. He swore on everything he would never talk to me again. Let's hope he meant that.

Also, when he moved out after he graduated they turned his bedroom into an office. No bed, just a desk. So guess where he is sleeping? MY BED. MY ROOM. It'd be nice to "go home" for the weekend. That used to be my favorite thing because it's so good for relaxing. I can't do that anymore. It's not my home anymore. I've felt that for a long time, every now and then when he has totally F'd up and my parents kick him out, my mom will make my room up all pretty and I will come home......but it doesn't ever feel right. I feel like a guest at a hotel.

I need to throw some plates at a wall. Or something.

day 17

Today....I am thankful for friends....TRUE friends.

i have always had a lot of friends. i never (luckily) was a lonely girl growing up. in college, i had so many friends, a huuuge wiiiide range of friends. school friends, party friends, friends friends. i mean i've had been through a lot of "good friends". but i can go ahead and tell you that today, my list isn't a long one. sometimes it kind of sucks, because ry will say "invite all your friends out to our show tonight" and i literally can only even think of like one person. and thats my roommate. haha. wow so sad. but i am totally okay with it, i really am because i know who my true friends are.

chelly - she has been my bff, my soul sista since (in my opinion) the first day we moved into the dorms. but my mom says we were bff back in the day in q-town. yes, chelly and i are from the same town. our great grandparents knew each other, our grandmas are bff, my dad and her mom went to school together, our fams both moved to amarillo. i've known her my whole life, which makes the most bomb ass story (again, in my opinion). it was an instant click, or should i say clique when chel and i started living together. it was almost like God was like, "duh". but in a much nicer way. we have had ups and downs, but mostly ups. and she was never not my best, ya know? she is such a great listener, she is the best advice-giver i know, even when it is totally bias. she has put up with my ridiculous moods, and told others to watch out when i'm in that mood. i've had some of the best spiritual talks with this girl, and the best laughs. we have the same taste in music which totally rocks. not so much movies/tv shows, but i can look past that. i make fun of her a lot, and she makes fun of me a lot. it's pretty funny actually...mostly ridic. since we have both been out of school, we have had jobs that allow us to do this kind of thing...all. day. long. so we get to talk and bitch all. day. long. i love this sweet little lady. and i am so very thankful for GOD and our grandparents for putting us together. we are running a half marathon together in about 2 weeks and that should be super effing interesting. the whole weekend really.

this is truly the only friend i can think about today that isn't my darling boyfriend, ryan, so that's it for now. i have others, just don't love them enough to give me arthritic hands. just kidding. you know i am. alright that's it. i gotta get the eff out of work now.

p&b as usual.

day 16

SO THANKFUL MY MAMA WAS BORN ON THIS DAY :)

that's all that matters today. :)

well....i knew it'd happen at some point...slackerrrrrrrrr.

time to play a little game i like to call, "catch up".....

Nov. 10 -- Thankful for 5:00 Monday-Friday. It is such a sweet, sweet time. I know I am blessed and so thankful to have a job, but I really do love getting off work every day.

Nov. 11 -- Thankful for my friends, and so blessed that Candace was one of them. I got to spend some time with Chel, Kay, and Atown, and it was so good for my heart (more on this later).

Nov. 12 -- Thankful for being asked to be in a wedding, it feels good to be someone's friend. KH is not KK. It was a fun time. I'm glad I got to hang out with Whit all day. My lovely boyfriend was there to endure all that madness too -- love him.

Nov. 13 -- Thankful for seat heaters in my boyfriend's car....especially on Nov. 13. We went to weatherford at 6:30 AM and got back at 1ishAM. YES he let me sleep likeeee the wholeeee way. thank goodness. and that seat heater was the bomb. it really really was.

Nov. 14 -- Thankful for making up and making out.....you get it.

Nov. 15 -- Thankful for a bed to sleep in every single night. I really take it for granted. or as ry would say "granite" haha. just kidding. he just mentioned how stupid people write granite instead of granted.

I'll be better at this next time....but I doubt it.

thankful for candace nichole goucher.

day nine PART TWO:

my sweet friend, candace, was in a fatal accident last night that ended her life. i got a text from kay at 10 this morning. today i have reflected
on her and how life was back when we were so close. i know that the college dorm days are supposed to be the best, and that first semester was one of my favorites...a lot because of candace. she had such a precious, tender heart. she was a leader, and lover, and not to mention, so very gorgeous. everyone loved her, we used to joke about that all the time mostly because we were so jealous of her, but it's true. some of her views changed, and it was okay, because she was still our can-dance. things did change and it's always been hard to think about, just because we were so close. she truly would do anything for anyone. i will never forget this one time, in my much more stupid days, i was at some party and had way too much to drink...i was so ready to leave and no one else was and guess who picked me up? canny did. to be honest, that happened more than just that time.

i don't know for sure what happened at 3AM last night when she was on the wrong side of the highway, and hit the semi, but i do know is that the Lord was in her heart. no matter what words she may have spoken, no matter the sin, no matter the disguise...i saw the Lord shining through every time i saw her. i yearn for that kind of shine. i don't understand God's plan, or timing, or reasoning for anything....but i know that there is a plan, and a reason for everything He does. He is good.

going to love a little harder from now on. thank you God for candace, thank you for her sweet soul, and her shining light. love on that angel for me please, and watch over us all.

i don't know why this happened ^ so funny.

DAY NINE.

Day 9 - I am thankful for Ryan's parents. They are always so welcoming, and loving. And let's talk about how great this surprise was yesterday at work.

Blessed to know that family. and....THANKFUL! :)

glad

DAY eight.

i am so thankful for my sweet love, ryan. and i'm doing this because i WANTED to. :)

i kiiiiind of maybe remember what he was wearing the first time that i saw him {yes, i said saw him, not met him} for some reason, we ran into each other at wild west. super lame, but it is what it is. he introduced, i told him i knew who he was, and he acted like he knew who i was too. actually, i think we were facebook friends for some reason (probably from my creeping days).

we hung out one night, and didn't see each other again for almost a year. 6 days and it would have been a year. back in the day when you could post questions on facebook like "who is your smelliest friend" or something like that and it gave you three people to choose from. well ryan accidentally chose me for "who made you smile today". we hadn't talked in a long time, and just barely became friends again on facebook after he kept deleting me. i got on facebook chat, and asked how i made him smile, knowing there was a mistake...AND THE REST IS HISTORY. haha just kidding. he said it was an accident, but that night was our first date. we saw shutter island, and my heart felt like flutter island. then i got home from seeing that movie, and i thought i was on shutter island.

i think we were both pretty scared of the relationship, so we didn't jump right in. actually, i was a lot more ready than he was. but don't tell him i said that. we went on dates, and i saw him play lots of times, then one night watching levi smith....he was ready to "be with me, be with me". i am so crazy about this guy, and have been practically since i laid my eyes on him. he's got the best heart. he's so considerate and compassionate. he is always helping others, to get nothing in return. he is a go-getter, and i have had the best time watching him have so much fun playing guitar. his passion for music is overwhelming and i am so so so jealous of that passion (as in, i wish i had a passion for something like that). he is brilliant and so funny. his family is the best, too. i am so blessed to know them. they are all so special to me. i have had so much fun the past year and a half. i am so thankful to have him to go to church with me, something that i've always wanted. he is so great. love that soul. so proud to call him my boyfriend :)

love you most!

weekend catch up

day 5 - thankful for being able to go "home" for the weekend. as i mentioned before, i have great parents. it's nice to get to get out of town and relax for the weekend.

day 6 - thankful to have a reason to want to come back to this town. his name is ryan scott summers. that's really...about the only reason i like this town, and it's because he happens to live here. which is why i happen to live here :)

day 7 TODAY - thankful for my new curling iron. i love it. and i'm pretty sure it loves me back. that straightener was starting to ruin my life because it was truly frying my hair...ohhh...the little things.

let's talk about how proud i am of this blogging thing. that's all for now. happy monday!

no title day

day 4.............i am thankful that it is friday. it's the little things in life, really.

back to my parents....one at a time.

my dad was raised to be a very VERY classy man. so classy, it's almost disgusting. i.e., at christmas dinner, my uncle was taking my plate and i had the sharp side of my knife pointing toward him and he said that was offensive. never read that in the rule book i guess. they are also very "church of christ" people. i feel for the people that don't get to really experience Christ because of that. my dad went to acu, which is where my great grandmother lived. after college, he stayed there working with my great granddad. he passed away, and my dad felt obligated to go see my great grandmother every single evening because he didn't want her to be alone. my dad was 23/24 at the time and single. he did that for years. he was a very lonely guy because others come first before his happiness is even a question. growing up, it was the exact same way. we didn't have the funds for much, but because he wanted us to be happy and have the world, he put himself last and worked so hard. he fully relies on the Lord to make sure he is doing the right thing at all times, and sometimes he gets a kick in the teeth because of it. with jobs, with my brother, and maybe even with me a time or two. he is such a good man, and i am so happy and blessed to be his little girl.

my mom is a very, very strong person. she has 3 sisters, her being the middle child. her oldest sister died of melanoma in her early 30s. she had 4 children, the youngest was 7 weeks old. my mom got married when she was 19 to the father of my 2 older brothers, and that's pretty much the only good that came from that man. in my eyes. he cheated on my mom from the beginning with a 16 year old girl. SICK. *sidenote--he later married her, and karma is a bitch, just saying.*

my mom dated my dad when they were 13&14. they hadn't talked in a very very long time when my mom decided to call him randomly one day. my dad recognized her voice! 10+ years later. she is my best friend. she knows when i'm sad, she knows when i'm happy, she knows when i'm stressed. she knows me, more than anyone else i know. she prays for her, shows me grace, tells me when i'm being stupid, and more important...loves me for ME. my precious perfect mimi (her mom) passed away in august, and has made her very, very sad. because just like my mom is to me, mimi was to her. so thankful for mimi for giving me my mama. that will be my next bloggy blog.

love my parents - wouldn't trade them for the whole entire world.

happy weekend!

day 3

my goodness. i am so blessed. i have so many thankfuls today i can't even name one. but i will.....

day 3 - thankful for my parents who deserve a lot more than they get.

i have a brother who is 16 months older than me. growing up, he was always the one sibling who my parents "tip toed around". he was very angry, and very moody. we never never never got along. our relationship has been shitty ever since i can remember. i always wanted it to be different, because i knew a lot of brother-sister duos. it was something that i always yearned for. for him to say hi to me in the halls at school, for him to want to go get a sonic drink together after school, and for him to want to take me to school so i didn't have to ride the bus. mostly for him to be proud that i was his little sister. i always thought maybe one day....but i'm 23 and he is 24. and from high school until now, a lot of things have been in the way of that perfect brother sister relationship.

my brother has been an addict for quite some time now. i can't put my finger on the exact day, but i know it was around 2006. he (my parents) finally decided it was time to go to a rehab facility when he made an ass out of himself in a restaurant that his girlfriend at the time was working. they spent $20,000 for 28 days for him to go to a "rehab facility" which should be called a "vacation home". it was the absolutely most ridiculous thing ever. smoke cigarettes all day long and eat the best food i've ever had. every weekend was "family day". looking back, so stupid. my brother got to be friends with a few of them, and can assure you that they are all back on drugs/alcohol. within 5 days of my brother being back home with my parents, he was getting high.

my parents have done everything for him since day one. he has done everything to my parents to make them think they had done something. to make sure he breaks the bank because he "needs fuel" because he "can't make it to work".

he lived in a halfway house type rehab facility in lubbock, called "the door" and decided he needed to go visit his friend that lived in dalhart or somewhere close to dalhart. they stole gas from a convenience store, and when the cops found them, they had a pipe in the car. he went to jail, and my parents bailed him out.

my timeline is probably messed up here, but i think the next place he went was teen challenge in houston. he was there from december to april. sounds like a long time, but it was supposed to be an 18 month long program. he walked out. my parents paid for him a bus ticket to get back to amarillo. i was so mad i could hardly see straight. my hope and trust had truly gone to hell because of this person. he has made me the most angry person, not just toward him, but everyone. it's the worst feeling in the entire world.

back to amarillo, was actually sober for a couple of weeks...maybe even a month, and decided he needed to get a little cocaine in his system and BAM, loses EVERYTHING again. my graduation was right around the corner and i did not want him there. but he was. he had the audacity to order a drink at dinner with me and my cousin, and not only did he have ONE drink, he had about 4 while we were there.

my parents move him to "faith center" which is sketch for sure. he makes it a little while, and decides it is just too structured of a place and is going to live in my apartment for a couple weeks so he can save up enough money to get a deposit for an apartment. i was actually okay with this because i was going to watch him like a hawk. the first thing he does is buy a pair of shoes. WHAT? you're living with me so you can save up money, and you buy a pair of shoes? then one night, ryan and i had gone somewhere for a few hours (can't remember where) and came back and my brother was passed out on my couch (literally passed out, not just sleeping). i smell the glass that was right beside him and i'm pretty sure it got be drunk. an entire EMPTY bottle of vodka was in my trash can. he had thrown up on the couch (i later had to pay for that lovely vomit stain when i didn't get my deposit back from my apartment). but anyway. he was out of there pretty quickly and living in his own apartment.

that of course didn't last long and he was back at "the door". this time he was sober for a long time (well, the longest thus far).

my dad and i got into an argument in august, right after my Mimi passed away.....because he let pleasant come live with them. i got a pretty terrible facebook message from my brother that said something like, you are no longer considered my sister, i hope i never see you again...and lots more really hurtful things.

you get the picture. but my parents have done it for him his entire life, not just since he's been a drug addict. they are the best parents in the world. i know that my mom and dad both have a salvation issue with "abandoning" him, but don't realize, that letting him figure it out on his own is the only way to go. he doesn't want to be sober, if he did, he would be taking the steps to make sure he doesn't put himself in that kind of environment. he's in fort worth now at another halfway house...he got there on tuesday. and showed up high, drug test showed cocaine and valium. AWESOMEEEEEEEEEEEEE.

this was a really crappy day 3, but i felt like getting that off my chest. whew. i do love my parents. i am going to write about how great they really are in my next post.

have a good day to my loyal readers. jk i don't have any. bye.

oh thankfulness.

Thankfuls every single day in November.......hopefully :)

Day 1 (for yesterday) - Thankful for my sweet boyfriend who brought me a card and a milkshake to work just because.

Day 2 (today) - Thankful to have a job. It's not my favorite most of the time, but it really isn't that bad. I am lucky to have found something like this.

I am seriously just not good at this. I have been a stressed out maniac lately with getting my teaching certification, taking this stupid test yesterday, the jean business.

I ran out of contacts on Saturday and that just makes me annoyed as heck. My glasses are too crappy to be able to train for the half, I know that sounds like a cop-out, but I truly can't handle them sliding down my face because of sweat when I'm running.

Just a few rants of the day. Peace ya'llllllll.

mega nega

i must have been pretty dang depressed back in February of 2008. I always remembered making a blog, but neverrrr really had a bite to write anything else, after that really bright and shiny song. i'm going to try this again...mostly because i don't want people to think i'm a negatron. i just imagined someone saying at my funeral, "did you see lauren's blog post back in 2008-she must have been a really sad girl" see what i mean? NEGATIVE.

I've got a seriiiious negativity issue. You can ask my sweet boyfriend if you'd like, because he could definitely agree with me. I am negative about work. I am negative about my body. I am negative about sleeping (sounds weird, but yeah). I am negative about some certain friends' decisions. I am negative about my family sometimes. It's fine for awhile, but it's really starting to wear me out. I want to be a happy girl - because, deep down, I know I am happy. Why shouldn't I be? I've got a good set a parents, two out of three of my brothers turned out pretty good, a good boyfriend, and good friends too (Not really that many these days, but enough)....I forgot to mention an awesome God. He is so good....and to ME. I'm not sure why still, but He is. I am really working the issue of negativity. So please if I have a nasty comment about something, go ahead and slap me or something. *I'm talking to you, Chel. You are the only one who will read this...*

On another note, I'm running the 5K Race for the Cure on Saturday, and couldn't be more nervous about it. Yes, I have ran a half marathon, and yes I have been unprepared for past races....but I'm really struggling with running. Why my body can't run a mile in under 10 minutes is a question I don't know the answer to. Oh, don't even get me started.

Happy Wednesday, everybody...Chel.

Peace and BUHLESSINGS.