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today i am thankful.  not because life is going the way i want it to, but because i am finally "present".  i am not looking too far in the future, but i'm not necessarily content.  i am just living for today, and that's okay...because that's certainly what you have to do to be fully happy and in the moment....and i can finally say that i am.  i just wanted to say that. byebyebye.

must remember this...

.....

life is really weird sometimes.  it sucks sometimes.  it would be really damn easy for me to write about how awful my life is right now, but i'm not going to.  yes, my heart is broken, and yes, it is super hard to move forward without someone special who was in my every day life for 2 years. the past month, i have just done whatever it takes to get through the day.  BUT i know deep down that i have a good life.  i know that i have a family that loves me, and a good handful of friends that do too.  i have a Father in Heaven that is begging for me to seek Him, to see myself the way that He sees me.  isn't that cool?  that no matter what, the Lord is going to be on your side.  He's going to take care of every problem, because that's the kind of God He is.  i have seen Him working in me so much the past few weeks, and i am so thankful.  He is truly the only thing getting me through, and that's because he doesn't get tired of hearing my "issues".

i have really been beating myself up over the last few weeks, but i'm not going to do that anymore.  i have done a lot of screw-ups, but i'm not going to let that control my life forever.  i don't deserve to do that to myself. life is all about forgiveness, really.  i can't go on with grudges any longer.

i am going to set goals and achieve them.  that isn't something that i have ever been good at before.  i am going to live my own life.  i know there is a plan.  from this point on i will do things that only going to make me a better me.

God, i thank you for this day.  i thank you for allowing me to wake up and get dressed and get to work.  i am thankful to have a job right now.  i am thankful that you are showing me the things i need to see in myself, and see the things that i want and need out of life. show me more of You.  i continue to ask you for guidance and clarity.  thank You for loving me and never giving up on me.  I ask that you be with the ones that I love today, and show them You.   i ask that every insecurity be stripped from them, and remind them how much value they are to the people around them, and the people away from them. send Your love.  i know that at the end of the day, that's all we need anyway.  i ask that the distractions go away, and that i have the self-control to not let little things interfere with my growth.  You are good and You are mighty, i pray i never fail to show you that.  Amen.

“A woman is a warrior too. But she is meant to be a warrior in a uniquely feminine way. Sometime before the sorrows of life did their best to kill it in us, most young women wanted to be a part of something grand, something important.” 
― Stasi Eldredge, Captivating: Unveiling the Mystery of a Woman's Soul

“We desire to possess a beauty that is worth pursuing, worth fighting for, a beauty that is core to who we truly are. We want beauty that can be seen; beauty that can be felt; beauty that affects others; a beauty all our own to unveil.” 
― Stasi Eldredge, Captivating: Unveiling the Mystery of a Woman's Soul

I am such a worry-wart. Worry consumes me from day to day. If my mother doesn't answer the phone the first time I call her, I immediately think something is wrong with her. If Ryan is driving and doesn't text me back, I immediately think something has happened. It's pretty damn ridiculous, and I am truly exhausted from it. I worry so much about my future that it makes me sick to my stomach. I know I am only 23, but in my heart, I feel like every decision I make from today on, may affect the rest of my life. I truly don't know if that is irrational or completely rational. I just don't know. Even that thought makes me crazy. Some days I just wish I could turn off my phone and re-center myself, because my life feels like it's spiraling out of control most days. Then I am reminded to take a deep breath...by my awesome mom & awesome mentor.

And a few words that make me feel much better about it all:

"So don't worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will bring its own worries. Today's trouble is enough for today.

Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. 7 And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

thoughts

i always want to write my thoughts here. and most of the time, i am afraid that i am going to sound like a big baby, or a bitch, or it's not long enough--it should just be a tweet. but today i am going to write it out. i have all the time in the world, because no one is at work and that should be a blog post all by itself.

there is so much going on in the world. since i woke up, i have heard about tornadoes where some of my family lives, the death of a man who lost his grandson a few months ago to suicide, a friend who is 3 weeks pregnant, a friend who is engaged....LOTS going on.

God does things in life that i don't understand, and i know i will never understand a few of those. 5 years ago when i was a freshman in college, i didn't understand why i was in this town. why i was going to that school. how and why i started to drink. how and why i started to get into bad situations that i had promised myself and others i would never be in. today, i have been reflecting, and one song made that happen. "if i could do it again" by corey smith. that was the theme song to my spring break in 2007. on the beach getting drunk. i honestly only remember a few things from that trip, and one of those was, this girl got her eyebrow shaved off. that was a highlight, but that also goes to show how ridiculous life was then...

and i can't tell you how relieved i am that i am not that person anymore. yes, i drink every once in awhile, and yes sometimes i am regretful of that. i do not wake up every morning truly hating myself now, i wake up thankful for a boyfriend that i am SO undeserving of, and thankful for a God who continues to give me grace every single day....which i am also undeserving of.

sometimes i wish life was moving a little faster for me, because i think i'm ready for new things. that's when God tells me to stop rushing. there is honestly no point to be in a rush, but also, there's a big difference in not rushing and waiting. i don't really know what that means just yet, but anyway, the tears are flowing so i will stop there.

xo

things things things

i feel like so much is going on lately. yep, that's what i feel like, but is that truth? nope.

do you ever just feel like you've hit rock bottom? i think i have a few times. i don't know if i am saying that because i have had two panic attacks in three days, or if i really have. stress is something that i have never really been able to deal with. you can ask anyone. i feel out of control a lot of times when i'm stressed, and i've tried to be better, and sometimes i think i am and then i have a damn panic attack. do you ever just feel like things are really happening for people, and things are kinda falling down for yourself? that's the way i feel. i just sorta feel stuck. not trying to make this a huge annoying ass pity party or anything....i am just tired of feeling that way. God is good always, and i am truly thankful for what He has given me.

i just don't really know what the deal is right now. panic attacks are freakin scary. and that's all i gotta say right now.

i am very thankful for ryan....he deals with my stress a hell of a lot better than i deal with my own stress. that's not good, and that's not the only reason i'm thankful for him. this does make me realize and aware that he is in it for the long haul. he is a good man, and there aren't many out there.

doesn't it just drive you absolutely bonkers when you go to check someone's blog, they haven't updated? it is almost devastating to me, and quite possibly make the day start out pretty shitty. i mean, get it to-freaking-gether. i don't have time for your laziness....even if you are a new mom.

anyway, i just needed to get that off my chest.